Flattering Dreams

2007-06-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

The last day of school was really hard and bittersweet. I am supposed to be thrilled that it's summer vacation, and I really am, but I am also really sad that I'm not going to see my students again. The last 9 months were spent dedicated to that group of 115 and now, suddenly, they're gone. It's probably really unhealthy that I spent so much time thinking about them, and now I am unsure of what to do next. I need to relax, but already I'm thinking about what I'm going to do next year. A group of teachers went out after school to celebrate, and I couldn't participate in the revelry. Then, I went back to school to clean my room, drove onto campus, and a group of kids had returned to sit on the picnic benches. They screamed when they saw me, and piled into my car. They were able to cheer me up. So, at least the day ended brightly.
I think I need to spend a few weeks not looking at any teaching books, blogs, websites, etc., and dedicate my time to ME.

2007-06-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today, Block 3 said, "Go stand up front, close your eyes, and open your hands. But be careful, you might cry." I almost cried just because he said that. They handed me a card signed by the whole class with little comments like "You're a great teacher," "I'll miss you," "For a first year teacher, you're amazing." It made my heart melt. And, they gave me a very generous gift certificate to Barnes & Noble AND Starbucks. Another girl crocheted me a blanket. Another girl handed me a note saying, "Thanks for helping me out. I brought my grade from an F to a B." It was beautiful. I love these kids, and I'm really going to miss them.

I'm reading Me Books right now. I love reading all their silly love poems, looking at their random pictures, and their collages of all things material. I remember when I was that age I had torn up magazine pictures all over my walls. For some reason, pre-teens love name brands and pop-culture. Likely because they're trying to figure out their place amongst it all. These books really bring me back to who I was at that age.

Today, I caught a kid singing "On the Radio", the song I analyzed for them back in January. I said, "Who sang that?" meaning who was the kid singing. But then almost the whole class yelled "Regina Spektor!" I thought, "they're going to remember this forever." I'm really feeling sad and wistful that this year is over, but I'm also really excited for next year. I intended to read my epic I wrote for Block 1 today, but Joe, the hero of my epic (because he's the one who asked me to write it), wasn't here for the 3rd day in a row. I'm really dissapointed that he doesn't show up to school anymore, and am worried about him in high school. But he might be retained anyway. Which makes me worry even more.

2007-05-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

Oops.. over a month since I've updated. School is almost over, and I'm trying to figure out how to keep my students busy. Yesterday we cleared the desks and sat on the floor to discuss high school. It was nice. I think I will do these class meetings once a month next year. Sitting on the floor suddenly makes everyone more comfortable. Today I asked students to write about the best and worst experiences of the year. I told them this was my first year, and many of them were surprised. They thought I had been teaching longer. Many students said they loved the class, many said the class was boring at the beginning of the year, but it's better now. This I knew. I had a lot of boring lessons. I realize now how fun and interactive lessons need to be, and I really worry about how to integrate that with the textbooks next year. I think I've been teaching like I would teach high-schoolers for most of this year.
I also asked them to write advice or warning to next year's students. Many of them said to not get on my bad side and not to get me mad. I thought this was strange, but then they said that it was rare that I got mad, but when I was mad I was scary. One girl compared me to a volcano. I did not know this about myself, and am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. The 7th graders I student taught said I should be meaner. I don't think I instilled any fear in my students. Maybe I did. Maybe they're worse in other classes. Maybe I have no idea how bad they can get. Maybe some teachers are more tolerant. My principal complemented my classroom management to one of my co-workers with problems in that area. Personally, I feel out of control half the time. I actually don't really like that I can get really mean sometimes. I wish that there was a way to have fun teaching while maintaining peace at the same time. I like that I'm so mellow and calm. I think good classroom management comes from respect from your students. I was asked by this other teacher what my strategies are, and I really don't have any. I just feel respected. Most of the time. Maybe class meetings will help next year. One student's advice was, "we really are like dogs. Reward us and we'll do what you want." This is kinda sad... Maybe to earn respect you have to give candy...
I think I'm going to be a pretty good teacher someday. I'm looking forward to starting fresh next year - I'm so must more confident and relaxed than I was the beginning of this year. A girl I met at our yard sale a couple weeks ago signed up for my Broadcast class only because she wants to be my student. What a nice complement. I'm really going to miss this year's group, though.

Remember, Mr. So-and-so, remember I'm a lady

2007-04-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

My students are really engaged with Anne Frank. I think this is my best unit of the year. I had no idea they would be so engaged. We started reading the play on Monday, and students are fighting over roles and asking a million questions and making all sorts of connections. I really didn't know the play would be so fun, but it's actually pretty funny. The characters are so outrageous, and the students love taking ownership of their roles, putting on voices and arguing with each other. All of my classes had fun, but I found myself snorting trying to stifle my laughter all through block 4. I learned today that "cupcaking" means flirting when I asked what they thought of Anne and Peter's relationship, and one student said, "They be cupcaking!" When I asked how the confined living quarters was affecting the group, one kid who never, ever participates blurted, "They have cabin fever!"
Not only do they like reading the play, they've been really involved when we talked about the Holocaust. They asked a million questions, and I didn't steer clear of any taboo topics because they themselves brought them all up. We had some really serious conversations about questions students brought up on their own, like "How could someone be so evil?" or "How come no one did anything about it?" The same kid who taught me "cupcaking" asked, "Aren't they killing a bunch of people in Africa right now?" I am going to have them do group research projects on genocide around the world, and am going to have them write skits about prejudice they see on campus.
It blows my mind how much I underestimated my students' empathy. I kind of think that adults are so quick to say that kids don't care about serious issues, but how many teachers are actually teaching this stuff to their students? None of the other 8th grade teachers are teaching Anne Frank, and one said to me that she didn't want to teach it because she didn't feel knowledgeable enough about the Holocaust. But if we don't teach it, how are they as adults going to know how or even want to look out for other people? One of the greatest thing about Anne Frank is how well the play humanizes her. The students are connecting to this girl, and then suddenly realize that she died in a concentration camp, and wonder "How could this happen to such a normal teenager?" She's famous for being a real voice to all the nameless Holocaust victims, and this personalization is what is going to make kids care about current and future genocides. I really don't think that Shakespeare or The Call of the Wild (what other 8th grade teachers are currently teaching) could be nearly as important as this.
Anyway, I'm happy, but also a bit sad because my students are leaving soon. Being a teacher is emotional. Every day I'm happy, angry, sad, frustrated, flustered... I hope that over the years I develop thicker skin.

Rant Rant Rant

2007-03-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend felt like a wild goose chase. On Friday some dumb kid swiped my computer power cord off my desk, so I was left with a drained battery and pages still to edit on my MA that was due today. I almost finished typing Saturday morning, but I then decided I needed to go find a new power cord before it was too late. I called CompUSA in Vacaville, the closest store that carries Apple products, and they said they had one. I got there, and they said they didn't have one. Next stop was UC Davis bookstore. None there. Next, I went to the Apple store in Sacramento, and they had just sold their last one. The salesman was willing to sell me his personal cord, but he didn't get off work until 9. I gave up, called Maria, and asked to charge my computer at her house. Luckily, she was home, and Robert was nice enough to let me borrow his cord. So, after finishing the paper and hanging out with Maria for awhile, I went to Kinko's for copies. I thought it would be simple: 5 copies, 2 bindings, drop off on campus on my way home. When I got there, I discovered 5 color copies would cost me $500. So, no color copies. After it took almost an hour to place my order (what do they not understand about copies and binding??), I discovered that they couldn't even process it then, and I would need to return in the morning. So, I drove back to Napa, returned to Davis in the morning, got to Kinko's and found they hadn't even made the copies. After the copies printed, I sorted through them and saw the page numbering messed up and tables were broken in half. The guy said it was because I gave them a word document. He said they see this happen all the time. Why didn't he tell me this yesterday, so I could have fixed it? So, I spent $50 on their self-serve printers printing out a new Table of Contents and new Reference page and Appendices. Finally, I left, looked through one of the binded copies and realized they didn't give me all the color copies I requested (and paid for). Next, I went to Academic Surge to drop off the paper and found the doors locked. So, I headed to Benicia to give Kathy the papers in person.
I spent this afternoon purging all the mounds and mounds of MA papers scattered around my floor. I'm sitting here looking at a clean apartment and 135 nicely bound pages and I feel no sense of satisfaction. I don't think I've recovered yet from the anxiety I felt all weekend. And I'm certainly not ready to go back to work tomorrow. All because some stupid kid thought it would be fun to take a cord that is probably now sitting in some dumpster somewhere. It makes me sad that any of my students would steal from me. I already lost the Butter Battle Book at the beginning of the year. I'm just going to have to get used to the fact that as long as I'm a teacher things are going to be stolen.
Anyway, my MA is done, my apartment is clean, and my lesson plans are at school. I don't know what to do with myself now.

2007-02-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

Today I had the pleasure of being pelted with about 20 water balloons. Today was Project Day, and all of the dens displayed their trimester project. Our den put on a carnival with games made out of 100% recycled material. One of my groups decided to hold a canned food drive, and every student who donated a can got to throw a water balloon at a teacher. Only 3 other teachers joined in, but it was still a success. We drew a huge crowd and collected a ton of cans. I'd like to feel flattered that so many of my students cared enough to bring a can so they could throw things at me. It grew a little chaotic when kids started stealing balloons and cans, kids were aiming for our heads, and the VP started giving me the evil eye for allowing this mayhem to occur; but the kids had a lot of fun, and I think that made it worth it. I definitely had a lot of fun too, and I've been laughing about it all day. It's good to be goofy around the kids, and I think I might have won some brownie points.
The carnival was the most popular attraction on campus. Another den created a U.S. map the size of the cafeteria with facts and trivia games, which was really cool. But the other dens just had powerpoint presentations and posterboards, which were pretty boring. Any trouble I might have been in for the water balloon chaos was balanced out with the great job I did with the carnival. Rather, the job my students did, because they did everything. I was just responsible for it all.
I still don't know what I'm doing for my research unit and Anne Frank unit, and I'm a bit stressed; but I've been learning, and today helped reinforce this, that I don't need to be so uptight all the time. It's okay if my lessons are less than perfect, it's okay to allow laughter in the classroom, and it's okay to be myself around my students. I always tell people to chill out - I should take my own advice.

Update

2007-02-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

I tend to eagerly get involved in something, and then forget about it shortly after. This blog for example. Part of the reason I haven't updated is because 1) I've been working on my MA that is due in three weeks (I'm on page 79) and 2) I'm working on a really boring unit in school. I'm prepping my students for the District Writing Assessment, so I've been teaching Response to Literature essay writing for the past two weeks. Strangely, I feel like I'm finally starting to teach my students something. I've actually felt a lot better about my teacher since the return after winter break. Things are starting to fit together and go smoothly. I really feel like I've gone back to school and retaught myself everything I used to tune out. I cannot wait until next year when I get to start all over again.

I'm thinking of doing a family history research unit next... I need to start brainstorming...

Anyway, I have things to say, and I will say them eventually.

silver

2007-01-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

here are two things that made me happy today:

We were reading a poem called "Silver". I asked why they thought the word "silver" was repeated multiple times throughout the poem. No one had an answer. I asked what might happen if we replaced the word "silver" with "grey". "Icks" and "yucks" and other groans spread around the room. I think they really got it.

Kiddos loved cutting up magazines today. And no one gawked or made innapropriate jokes at the National Geographic photos. Every single one of them was engaged! If alliteration is a test question, they better get it.

I First Found Freedom

2007-01-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

I am rather proud of the model I created for the alliterative poetry project I am introducing tomorrow. Hopefully the kiddos will like it and scissors and magazines won't be means for total disaster.

Crazy English Teacher Epiphany of Sorts

2007-01-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

I just had a sort of realization. I'm sitting here editing my First Benchmark for my MA and I am re-analyzing some of the baseline reading logs. I realized that many students were giving opinions without stating what caused that opinion - they weren't giving any textual evidence. As I told them they need to push their thinking further, I realized that not only am I trying to improve their reading comprehension in that they need to explain opinions, make predictions, explain predictions, ask questions, attempt to answer questions, etc., they are also working on Literary Response and Analysis!!!

The other day I was talking with a coworker, who said she was having trouble getting her students to cite evidence in their essays. They were making opinions but weren't backing them up with evidence. As I was talking with her, I was thinking that I hadn't really been working on that and I was really doing a diservice to my students. Well, I've suddenly realized that when my students do their independent reading and fill out their text logs, they are responding to literature and are giving their opinions and backing them up with textual evidence. When they write, "I think that Mary is really snobby because of the way she is treating her friends. If I were her friend, and she ignored me at the mall, I would smack her," they are making a claim about a character, backing it up with textual evidence and are even relating to the book. I feel a little better about my teaching now that I've realized this. What they are doing is practicing analysis skills that they will use in writing essays and even in discussing literature when we read a book aloud or in their high school futures.

Now, what I need to do is (1) make my students aware of what they are doing and (2) connect this with a Response to Literature essay. Ahhh, I feel a tiny bit better.

Embarrassment and Stupidity

2007-01-13T14:51:00.000-08:00

This poem was written by one of my most talented and creative students. It reads (errors unchanged):

Carelessly, you took the dare.
Now your hearing firetrucks everywhere.
You stuck your tounge to the pole.
Hopefully it comes off as a whole.
Jumping over bags you tripped.
Mad and hurt you ran and slipped.
Forgot to check on your way back to class.
Everyone smiles, but it's not your project on grass.
Because now you know you cry boo hoo.
You have toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
Trying to be funny you tell a joke.
A pause goes by and you start to choke.
The joke wasn't a hit because no one laughed but you.
Walking away you act like you have the flu.
Embarrasment and stupidity is something you can't deny.
It happens over and over as the time flys by.

This was written by the same girl who decorated a pair of jeans for her book project on The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I often feel like I'm not teaching my students anything (see spelling errors in poem above), but at least some are comfortable enough to express themselves in my classroom. I think I have created a respectful, friendly environment where my students don't fear persecution from peers or me. However, on the technical side I'm weak. Another student's poem read:

All we do in Language Arts is read and write
I don't know if I even spelled that right

I know middle school is all about feeling accepted and loved, but I feel like I'm letting my students down academically. I feel like they want to learn more and I'm not providing it. I went to dinner with a student's parent last night who is also a teacher at my school. She asked me what standards were taught in 8th grade Language Arts and I couldn't help but feel like she was accusing me of not teaching anything to her daughter. I think it was all in my head and she had no harmful or accusatory intentions, but it just got me wondering about what I'm really trying to accomplish. I had difficulty answering her question because there isn't anything specific I am teaching. Language Arts is full of layers and the teaching of analysis and abstract thinking. How is that a concept you have a unit on and test at the end? Still, I think that with all the extra hours of prep time I'm putting in, I should feel as though my kids are learning something. The only thing I'm proud of is the sense of community I've created. I suppose that's a pretty big achievement for my first year teaching, especially 8th grade.

I think that at the root of all this worry is the knowledge that my students have to take the writing test and the CST soon, and I'm going to have to start teaching to the test. I really don't want to do this. I should be teaching kids to love reading and to express themselves with words, not to know how to analyze a test question. People don't retain information that they don't repeatedly use. I've always been horrible at remembering things. Which is why I think I'm not a very good teacher. How can I teach the importance of things I don't even know myself? But I do like to read and I do like to write and I especially like to read words that I can identify with. Connectivity is important and I don't think I even know how to teach that. At least I can be satisfied that I'm a decent role model and some of my students feel comfortable enough in my classroom to take risks.

I wish

2007-01-08T19:41:00.000-08:00

First day of school, first blog post. I am going to try to keep this teacher blog up.

To begin our poetry unit, each student finished the sentence "I wish..." I then put their lines together to form poems and these are what resulted:

Block 4’s Wishes

I wish I could do whatever I want to do.
I wish there was such a thing as a happy ending.
I wish we wouldn’t have to move to Texas too soon.
I wish I could have and drive a Ferrari Enzo right now at any speed I want.
I wish I could be rich so I could help people and myself for good things.
I wish I was rich.

I wish I could get better grades and get as many things as I want.
I wish there was no school.
I wish I could take a ride in a monster truck while it was doing its freestyle round in Monster Jam.
I wish that the world would not be so overwhelmingly black.
I wish I had super strength.
I wish I was super rich!

I wish, I wish I was a fish.
I wish that my family was in better condition than it is now.
I wish I could go home and not have homework and that I could watch movies and eat all the good food in my house.
I wish that my parents would let me make my own decisions and not treat me like a baby.
I wish that I could fly.
I wish I had $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

I wish that all the people in the world that judge would stop stereotyping and making comments about other people.
I wish to meet someone that understands me.
I wish that school could be so much easier.
I wish I could have spent one more day with my grandpa before he died.
I wish I could fly really high in the sky.
I wish I had one million dollars.

I wish that there wouldn’t be any fake people in my life, that they would just be themselves.
I wish my life was perfect.
I wish we didn’t have to die.
I wish the darkness wouldn’t be so dark.
I wish everyone was nice to each other.
I wish one day I will be a successful woman.

Block 1’s Wishes

I wish we had no homework.
I wish that all my hopes, dreams, and this wish would come true.
I wish that people will love each other, no matter.
I wish I had powers.
I wish for a wii.
I wish school were shorter.
I wish that when I get older I will have a lot of money and build my own home.
I wish for equality.
I wish I could fly.
I wish that everyone was treated the same as everybody else.
I wish life wasn’t so hard.
I wish to have a nice house and to travel around the world.
I wish that all the channels on our TV weren’t locked.
I wish I were a marine biologist studying dolphins and fish in Hawaii on the smooth wet sand.
I wish I could run at superspeed.
I wish that I could go to Florida.
I wish I had a bigger house, a 2- or 3-story house.
I wish I could have a more positive attitude.
I wish it were the last day of school already.
I wish for an easier way to finish school because I have a fear of dropping out of high school.
I wish I had telepathic and invisible powers.
I wish what I want would come easy.
I wish I were a monkey.
I wish I could be happy all the time.
I wish for a fish that swims in a dish.
I wish I had straight A’s in all my classes.
I wish I didn’t have to write poetry.
I wish I were a bird so I could fly all over the world.
I wish I were a movie star.
I wish I could stay in my childhood forever.
I wish for love in my life, wealth in my life, health in my life and a perfect life.

Block 3’s Wishes

I wish I could change the world with just one voice.
I wish I didn’t have to leave my friends.
I wish my life had meaning, I wish all that had happened to me was burned, I wish I could go back in time and say sorry to my feelings that I left behind.
I wish I could have a dog.
I wish I could have longer hair and have good grades.
I wish my grandfather were still alive to be with his family at Christmas.
I wish I could fly and get invisible whenever I want.
I wish I had at least seen what my little sister looked like.
I wish people wouldn’t judge other people by their looks, nationality, religion, gender or if they are gay or bi.
I wish that even if my life isn’t good, for everyone I know to have a better life.
I wish everything would be better.
I wish I was rich.
I wish it could be summer.
I wish the war would end for peace and all the homeless people would not live in the streets.
I wish for a lifetime supply of wishes.
I wish I could see my grandpa one last time.
I wish that the war would end, for peace on earth and the end of world hunger.
I wish that life would be fair and that being sad wouldn’t be so overwhelming.
I wish my hair was not as frizzy but smoother.
I wish I could fly like a bird.
I wish I had a sloth.
I wish that I could have a lifetime supply of wishes, so I could help the world but also have some of my wishes for myself come true.
I wish it weren’t so, but life, love and happiness all end abruptly and painfully when we die.
I wish I had my own cell phone because I have had a lot of emergencies without my family being with me.
I wish the war in Iraq would stop so people could come home to their families.
I wish that I could fly.
I wish that the person I like feels the same way as I do.
I wish I had 500 billion dollars so I can be the richest person in the whole world.
I wish I had the courage to confront my friend about how she just threw our 7-year friendship down the garbage disposal.
I wish for no war because there are already 3,000 people dead!
I wish that one day when I get older I’ll be happy and have a nice family full of love.

You know, in case one forget that kids are real (I sometimes do), these poems are a powerful reminder of what's going on in our kiddos' lives.